Letters to Lou: Topping insecurities

Our agony aunt channels the spirit of Lou Sullivan and responds to your most pressing transf*g dilemmas

How do I get over the idea that topping is less real or convincing when I do it, since I a) am using a strap and b) am a fey lil sub- and bottom-leaning vers switch who mostly fucks doms? It can feel like people are humouring me when they let me top. I want to feel powerful! 

First of all – call me! This dom (and I’m hardly the only one) is always hot for a dynamic switch-up. There’s enormous power and sexiness to flipping the top script; knowing and articulating that that’s what you want is half the battle to getting your zhuzh. While it’s understandable to feel self-conscious outside your usual sexual neighbourhood, I’d encourage you to lean into what you’re bringing to the table rather than trying to work around it. Plenty of us want what you’re serving!

But I think you already know you’re hot: your question is about getting over an insecurity that you know stands in the way of you railing the dom of your dreams into next week. I’ll assume you also know the objective truths that a strap-on is no less powerful than a flesh-and-blood dick (one could, and many do, argue that staying hard indefinitely has its advantages), that a good partner should be giving you enthusiastic reviews rather than just letting you have your turn on the PlayStation, and that you deserve powerful, sexy, gloriously fey top joy.

Without putting too fine a point on it, you sound a little blinded by dick here in a way that’s limiting you. I mean this literally: your letter equates topping with strapping on, and as an experienced bottom and sub yourself, I know you know that’s hardly all there is to it. Whether or not you’re fucking people with similar tastes to yours, it might be useful to think about what turns you on from a good top other than being fucked with a cock. Is it being asked – or told – what you want? Sensory play that titillates and overstimulates just right? Feeling equal parts cared for and controlled? Being degraded or praised? Your experience and perspective aren’t obstacles here – they’re essential, very hot tools for finding the power you crave.

I’m not saying throw the dick away – she has her uses, and I’m confident you’re not giving your strap game the credit it’s due! But girl, it’s not the One Ring. The source of your power – and to lean too hard into the LOTR metaphor, the will to dominate all life – is you, simple as. If topping with a strap has got you too far in your head right now to feel it, I’d encourage you to lean into what makes your body feel powerful with a partner. Maybe that’s co-creating a deliberate power imbalance with restraints, seeing how long he can take you edging him, or set punishments for breaking rules (I’d recommend all of the above). Maybe it’s creating powerful physical sensation with flogging or fisting. Or maybe it’s asking for specific kinds of feedback (have you considered you can be daddy, too?) and trusting your partner respects you enough to take that seriously. Find what works, and the full filthy repertoire will follow.

I’ll leave you with this: I fully trust you will blow people’s minds (and backs out), which is about as real as it gets. Remember they’re the other element to this equation, and if you’re just feeling humoured, there’s a whole world of experienced subs, switches, and fem top admirers who are dying to tell you otherwise. The international top shortage will never be solved by a scarcity mindset. Jump the fuck in.

With love, from ‘Lou’ xxx