Letters to Lou: Should I bite the 'T' bullet?
Our agony aunt channels the spirit of Lou Sullivan and responds to your most pressing transf*g dilemmas
Dear Lou,
I'm 33 and a trans fag. I'm extremely effeminate, and my presentation has for a long time been to basically live in drag. I pass as a woman at work (I work as a professional dominatrix) and haven't done anything in terms of ‘medical transition’ as it’s generally considered. I got breast implants because having fake boobs reduces my dysphoria as compared to having ‘real’ ones. I enjoy looking basically like a conventionally attractive woman. Would I prefer to look like one of those lanky slightly ‘beautiful horse’ looking drag queens? Yes. Do I sort of look like that? Also yes, and sometimes even get clocked as a dude in a dress despite my lack of medical transition, but like…I can't take the drag off, not all the way at least. I've mostly been able to work with this presentation. I have a husband (also a trans man) and we're also both sleeping with his best friend (another trans fag).
The thing is though, I sometimes feel deeply…undesirable next to my more conventionally masculine partners. I'm vers, and honestly, more of a top for casual sex, and like the guys who are attracted to me are mostly guys looking for women or people they can treat as essentially interchangeable with women. Which is like…understandable given how I look, but also deeply depressing. I just feel like my femininity makes me undesirable to so many of the men I actually desire, and like I get that. No one is obligated to be attracted to me. And it's not like I'm hurting for sex, and my husband and his BFF both adore me and think I'm super hot just as I am. But seeing the thirst they get from tons of hot gay guys while I attract plenty of attention, but only from straight guys can make me feel insecure and like less of a man.
Should I just bite the bullet and butch up, or at least actually get on T despite my reluctance because there are a number of physical changes I really don't want (I don't want to have to deal with beard cover and worry about my hairline, I'm too vain for that shit, and the thought of my flesh genitalia becoming more prominent and visible makes me super dysphoric) and present as more legibly male? Or do I just find a way to be okay with being more of a niche taste and get over my shit and remind myself that I have gorgeous lovers who think I'm perfect?
– Biting the Bullet
***
Happy Pride to you, my dear beautiful horse: what a delightfully layered transfag dilemma you’ve brought to Auntie Lou’s loving lap! While the age-immortal question of to-T-or-not-to-T is a spicy one in your case, I don’t think that’s the end-all and be-all of what you need to figure out here. Let me put my hair up.
Your question is a beautiful reminder of the complexity of our whole gender mess – of faggotry’s point-blank refusal to be constrained by A to Z trajectories. You already know better than most, I think, that hormones and surgery are not one-stop-shops for locking into a lifetime of straightforward legibility. There are options here beyond ‘butch up or deal’: your own Day-to-Day Gender Deal is testament to that. I think you also know that following your desire is just about as powerful a transition tool as any. Acknowledging those desires can – and will – complicate the distinctions between personal and professional sex you’ve had to draw for work! It’s up to you to decide when you need to do that.
The good news is you’re already a pro at doing gender beyond the wildest dreams of most Tumblr Dot Edu graduates. I want to honour the professionalism and skill you’ve put into constructing a balanced foundation for your gender, desire, work, and presentation. This has done much more than generate income and/or a temporary holding pattern that’s now giving you a rash: I fully believe you’ve got all the tools you need to figure this one out. But seas change, babygirl, and the balance sounds like it’s tipping.
You’re actually quite coy here and don’t say much about what you do want from your masculinity and/or faggotry with a swirl of added T, beyond your beautiful horse drag queen aspirations and being desired by gays. I suspect these may not be questions you’ve let yourself sit with long, which is understandable, but as you’ve knocked on my door! Let Auntie pose a gentle few.
First: have you explored fucking queer men besides your husband and the BFF? Because that is absolutely an option – one that takes some navigation, but since you’re high-seas sailing already, I’m slapping it on the table! For all their potential drawbacks, spaces like Grindr, Scruff, Feeld, or FetLife will give you more autonomy (and less immediate comparison with your husband and fuckbuddy) to make yourself and your desires legible right now than, say, cruising at the club. There are plenty of cis and trans men out there who want to get topped by a hot transfag, including – or especially! – one with some genderfuckery going on. I’d encourage you to try building some queer men’s app profiles as an exercise in articulating your desires and ideal presentation – and lines in your own sexual sand re: fetishization and hard turn-offs. Give yourself some space where you don’t need to worry about flyswatting hets to play and experiment on your own terms.
Relatedly: what can your current sex partners do to make you feel more affirmed in your faggotry? I’m delighted they think you’re perfect just as you are, but I’m also hearing loud and clear that ‘just how I am’ is sitting uneasy with you. If you’ll allow me to read between the lines, I wonder if you’re holding yourself back from an important conversation because you don’t want to lose the safe, close-enough-to-legible space you’ve got. Do you need to check in honestly with your partners about what’s hot and not right now? Could they help you try out some different flavours of faggotry in the bedroom, letting you switch things up and play with your gender expression? Are they the only place where you can ‘take the drag off’, and if so, where else can you do that, including outside of sexual situations?
These are questions I’m asking because I want you to have bomb sex 100% on your terms, but also to suggest some tools to help you answer the to-T-or-not-to-T legibility conundrum. On that, my Danish Princex:
As a former trans health advocate, Auntie’s obliged to remind you of the range of endocrinological entrées out there – including microdosing or a few-months trial, which will give you slower, subtler slides into T-change – as well as the reality that we never get exactly what we want out of hormonal transition (but if you try sometime, you’ll find, you get what you need). You can’t Build-A-Bear with HRT (not that it’s stopped me from doing my darnedest!): deciding to take hormones involves acknowledging that certain variables will be outside of your control, including just how your relationship with your body will shift and expand. You might find yourself three years on bemoaning your lack of beard to cover up, or three months in surprising yourself with a feelings-180 on T-dick. What you can control is how you build yourself the necessary support systems and roadmaps you need to navigate a shift in your gendered life. Community, sex, presentation, and hormones are all potential tools to get you to your fully realised fag glory: which ones feel most accessible to you right now? Which desires are most urgent?
One obvious fork in the road is the fact that if you go on T for longer than a brief flirtation, it’s unavoidable that your work will change. You’re the expert on what that’ll look like for you, but if you need some brainstorming structure, check out sex worker and writer Jack Parker’s guide to transitioning on the job or transmasc sex work collective the Molly House Project’s past events. I’d encourage you to sit down and build yourself some practical options, thinking about what you already know about what you want, resources and skills you already have vs what you need, and who and where you can ask for help.
The timing of any transition change, social or medical, must be your decision. Give yourself a deadline or two so you’re not stewing in Indecision Soup – you don’t even have to stick to them, but save yourself the inevitable crisis crash of indefinitely sitting in this just-workable place. Remember that the joy, expansiveness, and mess of your own faggotry will always be your own truest compass regardless of how neatly it sits in your body right now. Play, bend the rules, and name your desires wherever you can, and you’ll get the answers you need.
***
Talk to ‘Lou’ anonymously about your troubles by sending an email to LettersToLou@idamagezine.com and he’ll do his best to offer sage words of wisdom in his monthly column. Feel free to message from a throwaway email address if you need – but don’t suffer in silence! Aunty is here to help.